Or maybe even succeeding?

I write a blog post just about every time I run. But I only actually publish a post occasionally, those few times I think there might be a thought in there that would benefit or entertain somebody besides myself. I think maybe I’ve got one for somebody today!

Me “failing”

Thank goodness the sun came out today! I was getting tired of the treadmill, as it gives me a stiff knee. (By the way, if you know anybody who bought a treadmill to fulfill their New Year’s resolution, and then decided they don’t want it, I’d be happy to take that thing off their hands.) I did a base run of 4 miles this afternoon. I did about a 12:43 average pace, finishing in 51 minutes, and I found it an easy thing to do. My top speed was 8:54, and I hated to slow down when my watch beeped at me to knock it off. I love running faster than I should. This is a character problem, most likely.

Anyhow, while I was running, I was thinking about how, when I first decided to put on some shoes and stop moving so slowly through the world, this speed was very hard for me to maintain for more than a few minutes. Now? I can maintain a 9 min/mile speed for the same length of time that I used to sustain only 13. I expect someday, I don’t know when, to maintain a 10 minute pace with the same amount of effort I put in this afternoon. My heart rate was still a little higher than I like, but I’m making good progress with my Zone 2 workouts, too!

I do know that I’m getting older and I’m going to top out somewhere, but I don’t know where, nor when. I’m just enjoying the journey.

I’ve seen a wonderful improvement in both running and weight lifting in the last few years. I am proud of that, and I’m looking forward to being even more proud of myself in the future! I love this stuff! Many people, maybe even most, do not value what I’m doing in the slightest. That’s fine by me.

I got a really ugly comment a while back (on this Run Dump), from someone who apparently does not love this stuff. Nor does this person like me. The gist of the comment, without the profanity, was that I should give up…something. I couldn’t tell if the person wanted me to give up blogging, carnivore, running, or something else. But it was clear that she wants me to quit something I’m doing, right now! Because she thinks I’m stupid. I felt kinda sorry for her, because the only way you get this way is if you are, yourself, terrified of what other people might say about you. I don’t know who hurt this person, but it wasn’t me, and I am sorry to see a soul that stunted. Say a prayer for “notanidiot”, if you have time. There’s a lot of pain in there.

Now, I’m not saying all that so we can pile on notanidiot. This post ain’t for her. I’m saying it because I wonder how many people out there who might come across this post are afraid to try something hard, afraid to tell people what their goals are, afraid to let others know where they’ve failed, or worse, succeeded, because there are voices like this in their lives. If there’s one like this, there are a million, right? Good Lord, they might all come comment here! What then?

You might have a parent or sibling who talks to you like that, or a boss, or a “friend”. If so, I want to encourage you to do what you want to do, regardless of somebody else’s broken way of looking at you. And it is broken, I promise.

Projection is a funny thing.

If a stranger said something like this to you, would it hurt? Forget about the people who know you for a moment. What about a stranger on the internet, or in a grocery store, or at a race? I’ve made a lot of weird choices with my life, and I am fully aware of the criticism, and subsequent mental anguish, that comes with getting out of step with the rest of the herd. But the farther from the center of your life a person is, the less these kinds of statements should hurt, if you’re in a healthy mental state yourself.

Sadly, for many, it hurts just as much coming from random people as it would from their own mothers! We might even think that “random” equals “objective”, so randos must be more right than people who know us. This is faulty thinking, and I hope you’ll learn to recognize it when you fall into that trap.

The only reason this person even bothered to leave the comment was because she wanted to hurt me as much as something I said must have hurt her. You don’t waste time reading a very long blog post to which you can’t relate at all. There was something in that post that triggered her bad feelings about herself. She couldn’t have those feelings about me, because I don’t really exist. I’m just pixels on a page, until she realizes me through reading my thoughts. I was her random stranger, and she couldn’t bear what I must think of her!

But what she said couldn’t hurt me. It certainly couldn’t cause me to give up!

I realize, though, that I’ve known a lot of people who would give up at the slightest criticism. Sometimes they might give up before they even get started because they’re afraid of being laughed at or despised by people like this commenter. I haven’t experienced that feeling since I was fairly young–maybe my early twenties–because, thank God, I’ve been surrounded by encouraging and loving people who wouldn’t dream of trying to tear me down like that. Even that one person in my life who did try to tear me down wasn’t successful at it, because I was too well-loved by others to realize that I was even a target. I’m grateful for that. Some people never have that kind of love and stability in their families.

I just want to encourage those of you who might have a voice like that in your head–the voice that says “You aren’t as good as that other person.” or “Give up, you look stupid (or selfish, or ugly, or whatever).” or “Nobody’s ever going to care about this, why do you?” That other person is broken. Don’t let them break you, too.

Just go do the thing, whatever it is, that calls out to your spirit. It doesn’t have to please or impress anybody else. It especially doesn’t have to please or impress random people who don’t even know you. Strangely, that is often the person you fear the most! The young person lapping you at the half marathon might be a sweetheart with a kind word to encourage you (I’ve had that happen), or a bystander might laugh at you for being at the back of the pack and losing ground rapidly (I’ve had that happen, too). While my heart went out to each of those people in a different way, it did not affect me. It doesn’t have to make me slow down or stop, or even speed up! I admit I do sometimes have an “I’ll show you” attitude that lights a little fire under me sometimes, but it doesn’t go to my heart as something about me. I know it’s about them, and what’s in their heads, and it ultimately means nothing to me–unless I want to use it for a blog post or something.

If I had given up running, I could never have improved my running times or my health to this extent. I’d have missed out on a lot of fun and a lot of challenges, some of which I have very publicly failed. If I had given up blogging, I would never have known several readers who have become my friends over the years. There would be fewer people in the world understanding some of the things I think I have a grasp on and wish to share. And, what I am most proud of, there would be several fewer Christian babies in the world, because my blogging, stupid as it makes me look sometimes, has encouraged many young families to grow. You can’t take that away from me with ugly words.

If I had given up any of the things for which I’ve been criticized over the years, I’d be a completely different person right now. And I don’t think I’d like myself very much.

Conversely, if I had given up…whatever…I never would have had to hear such unflattering words about myself. I never would have had a stronger, faster person sneer at me. Never would have heard anybody tell me anything I didn’t want to hear about my looks or my health. I could go through my life like that, always keeping my head down, hiding, putting on the best face so nobody could see the flaws, giving up if others don’t see the value in what I’m doing.

But those flaws would still be there, and I’d be no better than I was in the beginning. I would just be fooling myself, basing my self-image on a mere idea that is named “Cindy” in other people’s minds. Why would you let yourself live like that? Yet, I can see that many do.

Maybe you’re scared to do something: carnivore, a new career, a different sport, a new musical instrument, dance lessons. Don’t let external voices–positive or negative–mean anything to your behavior. You don’t want to get into the habit of chasing praise any more than you want to avoid criticism! You just want to do The Thing, whatever it is.

It might sting a little at first to encounter the unpleasantness that will surely come your way from others, but as you see your goals coming nearer, even that little pain will be gone. This isn’t about other people’s idea of who you are. It’s about who you want to be, and who God wants you to be. He cares about these little things, even if nobody else does.