We don’t watch a lot of TV, but when we do, we tend to go for the less-gossipy, more fun kinds of reality show like Storage Wars or 17 18 19 20 Kids and Counting. We haven’t seen very many of the Duggars’ shows, just because Netflix hasn’t made very many of them available, but what we’ve seen is just wonderful. Word on the internet is that they have announced that baby number 20 is on the way! Word on the internet, of course, is a sketchy and frustrating thing, sometimes. A quick Swagbucks search told me everything I need to know about the world’s reaction to the newest blessing. It ain’t pretty.
The Deranged Housewife asked why people hate the Duggars so much. To which I replied:
You won’t hear me say anything negative about the Duggars! Except that maybe I think the bus would look better in bright red. I think the reason the Duggars really tick people off, aside from the joyful and wholesome Christian lifestyle, which is really foreign to most Americans, is that they put the lie to our culture’s myth that children are too expensive, too much trouble, impossible to deal with, etc. People just don’t know how to react to it when their whole narrative goes KABOOM like that.
Like most hatred, Duggar Derangement Syndrome (henceforth dubbed DDS) is a completely irrational reaction to something our culture simply doesn’t know how to parse. When a worldview is challenged, the natural reaction, for those who haven’t had much practice in defending their worldview, is anger. How DARE you try to yank the rug from under me that way! I’m enjoying the world the way I see it! It’s the most understandable thing in the world. Wrong. But understandable.
The Duggers expose many lies that our society is literally built on—lies that are really so much sinking sand, and our sinking society is starting to panic.
Lie 1: Kids are a financial liability. I’ve addressed this lie briefly, and Connie, my hero at Smockity Frocks, is taking it on in detail. Check those links for the truth about money and children.
Lie 2: It takes a village. We have been trained by our own experiences with socialized education to believe that children are impossible to handle without the help of professionals. No one family can do it all or pay for it all. In fact, having children in the care of their own parents twenty-four hours a day is the weirdest thing imaginable in our brave new world. And yet, here are the Duggars daring to leave that system we’ve so carefully arranged “for the children” to fend for themselves. Worse, it’s working!
Lie 3: Childhood should be a time of complete carelessness and selfishness. The stupidest objection I hear to the number of children that the Duggars have is that the kids have to help one another because there aren’t enough parents to go around. Usually, the complaint is that the older kids are actually raising the younger ones. In a dysfunctional family, this would be true. I’ve seen it. In a loving family where the parents are in charge, this is really just something that our culture hasn’t witnessed, and thus can’t understand. It’s brothers and sisters loving one another. When I tell my son to hold his sister’s hand in the parking lot, to tie his brother’s shoes, or to fold his father’s laundry, he is not raising anybody. He is helping his fellow man, and learning that he is his brother’s keeper. We’ve been taught in our culture that helping the helpless is the government’s job, so I can see how that might be confusing.
Lie 4: Having babies is too dangerous for the average woman. Having babies is certainly a risk. I don’t deny that. So is walking on a busy city street or eating pretzels. But the Duggars prove that most of the medical rationale for an otherwise healthy woman not having “too many” children is a convenient excuse for encouraging women to drop out of procreation after the standard two-maybe-three babies. Pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes, but our culture treats them as disease.
Lie 5: It is impossible to raise children morally and in a way that they won’t rebel. I don’t want to tell on my social worker friend too much (about whom I commented more at Our Peaceful Homeschool Zoo), but it is very telling to me that she is now extremely annoyed, not only with the Duggars, but with their oldest son, who has the temerity to agree with them and live his life as they’ve taught him to. In fact, there are whole websites devoted to hoping that one of the daughters in particular will rebel. No one likes to see their own worldview fall apart, but masses of angry people on the internet are certainly hoping that the worldview of the Duggars won’t survive through their progeny!
Lie 6: Christianity is creepy. This is a lie for which we can thank Hollyweird. The only contact most Americans—even many nominal Christians–have with real Christianity anymore is through the media, in which every preacher is a hypocrite or a baby torturer. There are a lot of people who find the Duggars creepy when they start to sing hymns together. But it’s the dissonance of seeing how much they love Christ and how harmless they are that sets people off, not anything actually creepy that is happening. We are pre-programmed to distrust religious sincerity.
Lie 7: Sex and childbearing have nothing to do with one another. There’s just something so uncouth about allowing sex to produce anything but a nice feeling, and maybe a bond between couples, if both of them would like to continue the relationship. What the Duggars, and all reproducing couples do, is allow their love to mean something beyond the use of each other’s bodies. They remind people that the consequences of Godly sexual behavior are blessed, and that fruitless, promiscuous sex is an abomination.
Lie 8: Motherhood is a dead-end job. Another one I’ve covered elsewhere. Suffice it to say that Michelle Duggar is a paragon of contented motherhood, and it makes “feminists” crazy.
Lie 9: The Big Lie. At the bottom of Duggar-hatred is Christ-hatred. I’m convinced that if the Duggars were raising twenty kids because they think evolutionary processes demand that the fit reproduce, and they deem themselves to be more fit than most (and I’d say they are!), there wouldn’t be much outcry, because in all other respects, it’s obvious that they’re doing a fantastic job. It’s the Jesus thing that really kills the world. It has ever been so:
If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you.—John 15:18
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LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!!!!!!
As a Christ follower, homeschooling, mommy of our 8 children- adding more soon!!! I couldn’t agree more!!!! People are sooo scared of the unknown. Of things that are different. Of things that- oh my goodness- make them UNCOMFORTABLE? Anything but that!!!! Please no!
Yeah…..our blog title says it all – are these kids all yours? A question we get asked all the time! And not just because we don’t have the same skin color, but just because we have 8 (did I mention we were paper pregnant? JUST A TAD EXCITED). People are just amazed. If I had a dime for every time we say some one “mouthing” and counting our kiddos I could pay for our adoptions and support other adoptions!!!!!
Yes, ma’am. I agree with you. We would be almost rich for every time we have heard that!
I remember when we were living in NY, having to listen to that and rude comments EVERY time we took our, at the time 5, out and I was VERY pregnant, hurt terribly, and quite honestly, made me angry. As though it was super wrong and stupid for hubby and I to have only been married to each other and for us to have children ONLY with each other. People can be so rude and mean. 
Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT take on it all. I couldn’t agree more fully and completely with what you’ve said. In fact, I’m planning to link back. Awesome.
Love it. Good post.
I don’t really ‘follow’ the Duggars, but knowing ‘about’ them has caused me to think about them, of course. This is the best written response to them I have seen. And there are so many well-worded nuggets in here, especially,
No one family can do it all or pay for it all. In fact, having children in the care of their own parents twenty-four hours a day is the weirdest thing imaginable in our brave new world
…I just love this. I have bookmarked it and will return to it. Thank you for such a thoughtful response.
Awesome post! As a mom of 9 (on earth) and definitely open to more, my family and I definitely love the Duggars. They are such an encouragement about everything in this very negative world. Love it!!
WELL SAID!! (Massive amounts of applause and cheering!!) =) =)
You go girl! Thank you so much for taking this on. I am so sad all the time to hear the hurtful comments people are making about this family. I am going to share this link on my FB page, I really hope more people read it and understand. It’s all I wanted to say but didn’t have the ability to put in words
The problem with lie number 3 is it is not a lie but truth
I have never watched the show myself, but I am sure the Duggers are fine parents. I do think that religion in general is creepy, but I don’t think it has much to do with whether or not someone is a good parent. However, I do think having 19 or 20 kids in this day and age is completely irresponsible. We live in a time of dwindling resources and a changing environment. With the human population growing far beyond the bounds of our planet’s ability to support us, some caution should be used when we choose to reproduce. I think it’s a case of just because you can (even if you can do it well), doesn’t mean you should.
This is so true. I especially like the last point. Very correct!
Breastfeeding:
Mrs. Duggar shares about this in their first book, 20 and counting. She does NOT deliberately stop nursing. She has chronic thrush and mastitis while nursing, and has to use special shampoos, etc. It is extremely painful for her and she has tried lots of herbal and pharmaceutical remedies to no avail. She said that she can even remember using a numbing cream on her breasts and then wiping it off just before baby latched on so that she was not screaming in pain while nursing. (btdt, I have sympathy!!) She also mentioned that even though she does *not* schedule her babies, she starts her cycle again by 8 weeks or so post partum, so she is generally pregnant by the time the baby is 8 months old, and as soon as she does, her milk dries up.
Mrs P
@ Michelle (1st Michelle lol)
Lie #3 IS a lie. If we allow our children to be “carefree” and “selfish” until they are 18, how do you think they will react to the Real World when they don’t get their way?
Part of raising children is preparing them for their future, and teaching them the skills and knowledge they will need to be able to live on their own and be Responsible. It takes years of preparation and kids Doing things for themselves to learn how to be responsible in all aspects (financially, personally, educationally etc) that is not something they will learn the second they turn 18.
Placing responsibilities on children is important. Kids who are allowed to be selfish will turn into selfish Adults until they are taught otherwise. Gratitude is an important attribute that kids need to be taught, not selfishness.
When people give more than they take, the world will be a better place. But it starts with ourselves.
I couldn’t agree more Angela!
I believe this family to be God driven and God trusting . Awe what a good Godly world with more God driven and trusting and Loving families.
I love your post about the Duggars! You have summed it up very well! I think people are hypocritical because they are jealous and know they couldn’t handle 19 kids like the Duggars do. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle! That is why I don’t have 19 kids! I am proud of the Duggars for not only raising 19 kids, but for putting their life, their faith and their family on national TV! I can’t imagine being in their shoes! They are an awesome family and they are great examples of Christians…right from the youngest to the oldest!
I never knew the world hated the Duggars?
However, I would like for them to adopt other kids if they truly want more. Like kids from Ethiopia, etc, who are desperately longing to be adopted.
I think the Duggars are doing a great job representing their Savior but I too would love to see more large families adopt. I would also love to hear someone from the quiverfull camp address the adoption issue -they are so pro-big families and really concerned about fulfilling God’s commands and yet I have never read anything from a quiverfull family about adoption. The two seem to go hand in hand to me?
I am not judging their decision, that’s for the Lord to do. Has anyone ever considered that quite possibly there is a “child” addiction though? There are seasons in our lives, when your children start having their own children isn’t that an indicator that it’s time to embrace the next season. Couldn’t it also be read with her latest difficulties that it may be time for her to stop…even though the body will “accept” another child, doesn’t mean you have to have one. There are so many children that could truly benefit from what they are teaching their children. I could never say the right thing for them to do, because I don’t feel called to adopt, but if they do want more children have they considered this other helpful avenue.
…also thought I would add. If difficulties are imminent with a mom’s health, isn’t there a responsibility to her other children? Just questions that go through my head…again…no judgement intended
Jenn, you are right they do go hand in hand! I can’t speak for the “quiver full movement” , but I do know several large families who do wish to adopt, and I know some who have, or are in the process, as well as some ministeries/christian organizations who are both pro large family and pro adoption and we ourselves have run into some difficulty with those who have influence in the process ( of adoption)thinking that we ( with 6 ) already have “to many” and ” don’t NEED to adopt”, My reply to that is ” My need isn’t what I am concerned about, but rather the child who needs a loving home and family” Another issue larger families face with adoption is the income requirements, which are often “per femily member” making it difficult to meet for a larger family, who are often living on 1 income, and much less than the average household. SO that could be A reason we don’t hear as much about adoption in the large family as we’d like . From the larger families I personally know, they are the first to jump on board and support (generously) adpotion ministries, orphanages, and missionaries who work with orphans, as well as giving to families raising money for adoptions, but these things arn’t done publicly so you often don’t hear about it in their blogs or on FB or in the news reports. I can’t speak for those I don’t know, but for the ones I do know adoption is very close to our hearts!
Love this post! I am expecting #8 and we are trying to raise our family to be honorable, respectful, etc. It is NOT easy especially on a dairy farmer’s pay. The emotional stress of being teacher, wife, mother, cook, laundry person, referee, etc. is not always easy to handle either but neither are your jobs. Your life is what you make it and we choose to try and have it more simplified. My kids do not have all the latest gadgets, toys, electronics, etc nor do they have sleepovers and fun days many times a week. They have chores and responsibilities that help to make this family work and learn to live well with the rest of the world when they are older. By having something constructive to put their minds and energy into, they have less time for trouble. I am not saying everyone should or has the means to live like we do. But, I think they should realize that people aren’t condemning them for living the way they choose to live, and they, in turn have no right to judge the Duggars or any other large family they meet. In my neighborhood, most people consider 4 a large family so I have long passed their tolerance zone.
I will say regarding #3……….. if a foster home treated their kids the way the Duggars treat their kids, they would be REMOVED from the foster home. Trust me. I know that for a 100% fact.
Not saying that what they are doing is wrong, but that kids do need some time to play and not be responsible for other kids and just take care of themselves
Maybe you should redefine the meaning of play? I can’t get my 9yo daughter to do her work, because she’s too busy playing. Normal, right? Except what she’s choosing to do is what would look like work to you.
Lie #10: Kids don’t like their siblings, or parents.
Rememeber – u only see a snapshot of their lives on tv.. the producers want us to talk about how the kids do too much for each other.
Thank you for a wonderful post about a wonderful family! I realize that they put their lives in the lime light for us all to judge…but may we look at our own families and lives for a bit and wonder if WE were on TV what sort of picture our families would paint? For theirs paints quite a beautiful one to me personally! We have 6 children so far…we learn something new everyday, we have all learned that it takes each and every one of us to keep our household running! We have more to laugh when we are silly and more to cry when we hurt. I mess up daily, just as the Duggars do I am sure! We are all imperfect beings trying to serve the ONE perfect being! My goal for our family is simply to keep trying! To hopefully show Christ to those around us…as I feel the Duggars do as well.
Twitter: lthomeschoolmom
December 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Very well said! As a mommy of 7 we get negative comments all of the time about our family, mostly in front of the children. I think it is sad that society today views children as a burden and not a blessing. I love the Duggars. It is one show that I like for us to watch on TV.
Twitter: womanofGod_37
December 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way. Everyone talks SO much stuff about the Duggars. We that walk with Christ know that they are walking out the plan that God has called on THEM and helping us to know Jesus well. I love them!
Couldn’t agree more….
LOVE this!! I absolutely agree with the what the Duggars (and many other families) are doing! I have only 5 children myself, but that is how God planned it, not my husband and I. We have been together almost 21 years now and God is the one who blessed us with 5 beautiful and perfect gifts! Had He wanted us to have more, we would. (If I had my way, I probably would have at least 10!) If I believe God’s will is perfect (and I do), than I also need to believe that He gives us what is right for us.
Thank you and God bless your day!!
I’ve been thinking about this more, and I think it is WRONG for you to automatically ASSUME that the world hates the Duggars.
I think all these positive posts demonstrate that the entire world doesn’t hate the Duggars!!!!!!!!!
How would YOU like it for people ASSUME that the world hated your family? And write a blog post entited “Why does the world hate Cindy’s family?”
I have heard soooooooooo miuch positive feedback on this family and it is INSULTING to them to assume that the world hates them!
Rachel, I was just on the People magazine website and a few others regarding Michelle’s miscarriage today and I was sickened by some of the hateful comments people made toward the family in general and Michelle in particular. I couldn’t continue reading comments. So, yes, I agree with this blogger. Most of the world (who has ever heard of them) hates the Duggars.
Sadly you are right… I too see a lot of it out there in the world
@Rachel…read the comments on the article in news.yahoo.com and decide for yourself what the world thinks of the Duggars.
http://news.yahoo.com/michelle-duggar-miscarries-feel-heart-broke-telling-children-221738891.html
@Cindy…excellent post! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
I have to say that I LOVE the positive feedback from this blog-but if you check facebook and other social media outlets, there is MUCH negativism there! It’s sad how many people dislike one family-because of their beliefs.
Love this post!!!! We love the Duggars!!!! Thank God that they stand for what is right!!!!
I have to say I am dissapointed in this post.
Why on earth would a family be selfish enough to bring this many children into the world, when there are thousands upon thousands that are starving to death and dying ever second? If you truly can afford to have 20 children, do something good for the world and save a few children who truly need to be saved. I have no problem with Christianty, or people who are pro-life or anything else like that, but the world is over populated as it is. And people like this are merelly adding to the problem.
It also bothers me that television companies will run a show like this, every day, but they will only air World Vision ads once a week if at all.
Dont waste your time creating lives when you could be saving them.
Hi -
While you do make a good point, I don’t think the Duggars would even pass a home study to be able to adopt.
I know that is sad, but in order to adopt you have to meet certain qualifications and I don’t think they would meet them. The main one would probably be requiring the older kids to care for (all the time, not just help) the younger kids. There are other reasons why they would not pass a home study.
But maybe the Duggar kids themselves can adopt kids someday?
Caroline,
I understand it is hard to adopt, and I can only hope you are right and that the Duggar kids will adopt children when they are grown up. Lol maybe they can each adopt 20 kids and save 400 children from starving or freezing or being beaten to death.
“Don’t waste your time creating lives when you could be saving them.”
Wow. I actually had to pause and reread that sentence a few times. Children are a blessing from the Lord. The Bible says that He has knit each child together in the womb, that He knew and loved us all before the beginning of time. That’s no small thing! Those lives are precious – not one more than any other – spoiled child, starving child, typical, or special needs, God loves them all the same. I could hear the disdain towards large families as I read your comment. Have YOU made every effort you can to save the dying children? Are you living debt free? Are you sending all your extra income to feed the poor & not worrying about where you will make up for it at the end of the month? Do you have cable? Drive a new car? Eat at restaurants? Or are you living on the bare essentials so that you aren’t wasting your time, but saving the dying? I fear not.
For the record I am not debt free, nor do I own a car,now do I have cable and yes I do stress about where my money comes from every month. But I make DAMN sure that I am at the local Salvation army as much as I can, and I do fundraising for the local childrens hospital, and yes I help with World Vision.
I am not saying that their lives are any more or less precious than others. I am saying that if those dying starving children are so precious and God loves them so much, why wouldnt a good Christian go out of their way to help them ease the pain and hunger? Why is it fair for them to die and starve alone if they are so “Precious”? sound like you think the lives of American children are much more precious than others.
I did not mention, nor allude to one child’s culture or nationality being more important than another. I am sorry if something I said encouraged that incorrect assumption. The Duggars (by their own admission) have placed the area of family planning into the hands of an all knowing, ever present God that says children are a blessing. I think this is where you & I could knock heads all day. Your plan to have 2 or maybe 3 kids at a later point in your life & then adopt til you have “5-ish”, that is YOUR plan. That is what YOU want. That is what sounds good and works out for YOU. Allowing the Lord to direct their steps & prayerfully asking for His guidance in their life is what the Bible says should be everyone’s plan – God’s will for our lives, not our will. They are living out a faith that I assume you do not share. Until you share that faith & the gift of salvation, understanding the Duggars’ choices will forever seem foolish and backwards to you, 1 Corinthinas 2:14 – one without the Spirit cannot understand & spiritual things are foolishness to him. But like, Kimberly, I will pray that you will find that faith & gift.
The world is NOT overpopulated.
Umm…do you watch the news? Do you read books?
The deforestation of the rain forest is because of human population. The pollution and gas that clogs our atmosphere is because of the dense human population. We are expelling so much carbon dioxide with each breath we exhale that what few trees are left cannot keep up with the oxygen production and we will slowly suffocate ourselves.
If there were not so many people on this planet, there would be room for vegetation. There would less trees cut down for building houses and farms. There would be more room for animals to thrive and we would not have species going extinct left right and centre.
If there were less people in the world all those things like the plague would not be spread so easily if we were not all clustered ontop of eachother bumping into someone every 3 feet.
How can you sayt the world is not overpopulated?
I read that all the people in the world would fit inside the state of Texas!!
Sarah, I have read that too. Infact, I have read recently how China and other countries even including the USA do not have enough children to handle the workload to support the aging. Scary really. Also, wonder what would happen if all the families with two or three kids cut down from their huge houses, 3 cars, all the extras that the “American Dream” fills our heads with, what would happen to our forest, vegitation, and minerals, gas and such. What if we all lived a bit more minimal, and gave to the children without families. I know that now raising 6 kids we waste less of everything than we ever did with just 2 or 3 kiddos.
I LOVE this article …I am a mom of 7 and we get looks and comments often people are ignorant bottom line and it is no ones buisness how many kids one such family has we should worry about ourselves and what we have been given in this life. Also to the above comment I would rather watch the Duggars than the filth that is displayed on nearly every other program it is a disgrace and we should take a stand against the filth NOT THIS PROGRAM or families whom have more kids than ourselves and also I would have loved to adopt children yet it was a door that for whatever reason never opened but we help homeless and needy kids often and the Duggars may also help those in need you dont know their every move or their hearts so STOP JUDGING OTHERS WHEN YOU KNOW NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH ………….
If you cant adopt, that does not give you an allowance to breed dozens of more hungry mouths to feed. I dont care what charity work you do, there is nothing that you can do that will make up for the dying children in the world. If you cant adopt, then put your money in sponsoring as many children as you can, into volunteering on missions, (dont you christians do that all the time anyways?) Sew quilts for orphans, and send food packages…spend your money on the miserable instead of brining more into the world to be miserable. WHy not make the ones that are already stuck here happy?
Twitter: Homeschool_zoo
December 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm
I am sad for you, Sonya, that you do not see each new life as potential for joy, and only assume it’s misery. I wonder what has happened to you to make you so disheartened and bitter. What a horrible way to live. You have my prayers…
Why not make the ones that are already stuck here happy?
As Christians it isn’t our job to make everybody “happy”. That’s an impossible job. The world is NOT over populated, it’s just not true. There are many unjust situations (caused by sin)in the world that provide lots of opportunity for Christians to share God’s love and mercy. Children are a blessing from God, whether they come by birth or through adoption. Do you do all the things you suggest others do to help the “miserable”?
I do actually. I volunteer. I knit squares to be sent to orphanages to make blankets, I do plan to adopt when I am done school. I will stop at accidents on the road. I sponsor children through world vision and volunteer at the childrens hospital.I donate to the food bank (Although I have been to it many times in my life)
I am a big believer in practice what you preach. So yes, I do all those things.
Twitter: SmockityFrocks
December 9, 2011 at 12:12 am
Sonya, That is wonderful that you are caring for so many! Bless you and may others follow your example!
Have you ever considered that each Duggar adult and child may be doing the same? Or if they don’t now, there is the potential that they could in the future? I know they have the show, but the truth is we don’t know everything about their lives, like how much or how often they give to and work with charities. The children are being raised by selfless parents in the Christian way, which is to serve others. The amount of good this family is doing and can do because of their size is immeasurable.
Hello, Cindy ~~
I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE!!! this post. I won’t be reading the comments left because the ridiculous negativity of just the second one is too much. I think the Duggars are amazing, selfless & inspirational people and our world stops on Tuesday nights to catch the new episodes on TLC! I think it’s beautiful that they’ve chosen to believe that God will close her womb and that children really are a blessing – not a curse as our world would believe.
I love this post. I watch the Duggars occasionally, not every time it is on. I really did not know that there were people that were haters of the Duggars, I looked up the Pioneer Woman while I was at it, people hate her too. It is crazy to me! I could care less how many kids people have as long as they they are caring for them, and my tax dollars are not subsidising their endeavors. I have three kids here with me, and one in heaven from a miscarriage. I shocked the pants off of my family with number three, I have never mentioned to them I was quite shocked as well! I am not sure about everyone using the “quiver full” biblical point, however. I know God wants children of all kinds. I also know that God blessed us with a brain for thinking and reasoning, so each woman will know how many children is enough for her family. In all honesty, I have heard the quiver full spouted out to me, with the same persons hand out also and I found it disgusting. To ask for money from my family, when they had all the technologically advanced toys and I was still rock’n a flip phone, driving a very used pickup. I am jaded slightly, and admit it. As to the big kids helping out, I thought that was just how it was in life. If your family needs help you help them! It does not matter if it is reading a book to sis so mom can do the dishes alone, or if mom sews your Halloween costume so you will be a fantastic cat, or if little brother needs a new set up with the Thomas track, he will reciprocate and pull you in the wagon. In our house my kids are expected to help out with what ever is needed and that is just how it is.
I don’t have a problem with the family per se, and it does drive me crazy that so many people hate then and say so many untruths about them (which this blog did a great job of pointing out). However, I do find myself wondering if 20 children is excessive given the thousands of children in the world that are without a mom or a dad. God calls us to care for the widows and the orphans. Why not think about foster care or adoption for a child that has already been born and has nowhere to go? A foster child could really benefit from all the love and experience a family like the Duggars have. I’m not saying their choice to birth more children is wrong, but after working in foster care for the past seven years, I do sometimes struggle with families that are so large, and yet unwilling to consider bringing a child into their household that is not theirs by birth.
Thank you Marieke.
My husband and myself even though we are capable of having chilren, have decided to only have one maybe 2 of our own, and as we both want a larger family (preferably 5ish) we will adopt the rest. We did not want to deny ourselves the joy of having our own child, but see no reason to be selfish when we are fully capable of taking care more than that. I cant wait to adopt a child and i know they will appreciate what we have done for them much more than any child born into a family.
You are so much more thankful for what you DO have when you havent had anything for along time.
Sonya,
Awesome plan you have.. But let me warn you – do not expect any adopted child to appreciate what you do for them.. (while it is possible that they will, do not expect it). Until they have a family of their own.. I say this with love and experience…
Stephanie.,
I know…I am fully prepared to deal with that. And I know it will be tough, but it will pay off in the long run. and hopefully my children will adopt children too. When they come to realize what they have been saved from they will be so happy that they wont be able to help but share their happiness with other chilren in need.
Especially adoptin an older child…yes they will hard to work with. But I am patient.
Did you have hard time with an adoptive child?
Good for you! I used to live in the same city as the Duggars and even worked at the library they go to. I think they are wonderful people…all of them! I try to avoid all the media about them because it’s just so negative. It really is too bad.
And, I agree with the previous poster who said people are afraid of what they don’t know. I recently had my 3rd child at home. People thought I was nuts. What they don’t understand is that that’s how it had been for generations. Only in the last hundred years did we start doing it in the hospital.
Same thing with the Duggars. A hundred years ago, people had loads of kids. If you only had one or two, you were the outcast.
They have plenty of love and are doing an AMAZING job of spreading it around. Good for them and good for you for posting this!
Twitter: abideathome
December 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Never been to your site before – but I stumbled upon from another blog link. Really enjoyed your post. I enjoy watching the Duggars – and I admire the grace with which they have handled the media and their publicity (as opposed to the Jon & Kate fiasco/tragedy). Thanks for your considerate post.
To the person who complained about having too many kids because of dwindling resources on earth, so that makes it irresponsible. You’re kidding, right? God doesn’t ever promise any of us eternity on this earth. This planet isn’t meant for us to be on forever. It is where we are going after that is worth living for.
I believe that the biggest issue here stems from the definition/roles of parents & children. If someone is watching & criticizing the Duggars and that person does not have a Biblical worldview, they’ll have a blast! Children are a blessing from the Lord and blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. Also, the goal of parenting is not to make your children happy, it is to make them Holy. And while that sounds very boring & unfair, it isn’t. The joy of the Lord will surpass any worldly pleasure we can try to give our children on earth. We are to train them up in the way that they should go, not the way that they want to go. Do you suppose that the world is against the Duggars because they are proving that the thousands of people in the welfare line can actually make this work if they wanted to? Debt free, single income, lots of mouths to feed…with no government assistance.
I don’t like the Duggards. It has nothing to do with Christ nor do I think that other people don’t like them because of the “Jesus” thing. I am sure some do but those people are just ignorant. I was raised in a Christian home where we all work together and sang Hymns. In fact I love singing hymns and don’t think they are creepy at all. I do think that they are paying for their children by using the media. But hey, that is the American dream 15 minutes of fame, endorsment deals… etc etc. They “appear” on TV to be good parents. They “seem” to be honest, loving Christians. And I will admit I am a synic in that I don’t really trust this “reality”. Especially people who are too nice…..but my Sunday school teacher that I loved did mollest my best friend (his adopted daughter) and their wonderful foster children. So I admit to my trust issues. But the bottom line reason I don’t like them is that I think they are irresponsible to reproduce prolifically. They are a popluation explosion in and of themselves. The world cannot sustain current population growth. As much as I love the Lord, I do not believe he wants us to exploit this beautiful world he created for us. Some day all our great great great grandchildren will be starving without adequate health care nore jobs. There is not enough American Dream to go around. Reality is that some will be very rich and some will be very poor and there will be many inbetween. How big the population is determines just how many are at the bottom. Is it a few or is it a crisis? I just hope we can put it off as long as possible. They are just bringing it generations closer. Maybe it is only .0000009 of a generation but you add them with everyone else over populating the world for the sake of what we “love” now and it comes closer quickly. Balance is always the best policy. Being Extreme in anything whether it holy or not, will never come as good in the end.
I do give them kudos for find a way to fund this particular fancy of theirs. So I no moral beef with them but, ethically and in the long term, I think they are irresponsible.
Twitter: thisdiylife
December 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm
First time reader here
All excellent points and I totally agree with you. I read through some of the comments and sorry to say, I was just shaking my head at a few of them. Bottom line: it’s really up to no one but Jim Bob and Michelle to determine what they believe is God’s will for their family. No child is an accident – God doesn’t make mistakes! We have struggled with infertility for 6 1/2 years and trust in God’s timing. He may not choose to give us children that don’t have fur and we’re okay with that. If He chose to not give the Duggars another child, I believe they would accept that. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but God’s will is God’s will.
I can understand the concern that people have for Michelle’s health. I appreciate that they are seriously afraid for her and for the baby but if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. Again, God doesn’t make mistakes.
Why do people hate the Duggars? For the same reason they hate Tim Tebow. Luke 21:17 – And everyone will hate you because you are my followers.
“I can understand the concern that people have for Michelle’s health. I appreciate that they are seriously afraid for her and for the baby but if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. Again, God doesn’t make mistakes. ”
Absolutely! I actually had something of an unusual conversation with my husband about this last night. Somehow it never occurred to him that I would still trust God with my fertility if something “went wrong”. I know who my God is. I belong to Him, and nothing that happens to me is outside his loving wisdom. My hubby is still kinda on the fence, which is hilarious, considering that he already has five. You’d think he’d be ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’ at this point, wouldn’t you? LOL.
Also, I have a precious (beyond precious) friend who is TTC, too. I’ll remember you when I pray for her.
Well spoken.
I completely agree with what you are saying, my only issue with Michelle getting pregnant this time is that I am worried about her and the baby. After the complications that happened with the last baby, it makes me nervous for her to do it again. I don’t think that it is fair to knock parents with two or three kids either. I am a mother of two, but that was because my son has several medical and psychological problems and he requires so much attention and then trying to give my daughter the same amount of attention. I feel that I don’t have the time or attention to give a new baby that he/she needs and even though I would love to have more that it would be selfish of me to do so.
Twitter: beckyjwebb
December 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Love this post! Cindy, these are my thoughts exactly. I find myself rolling on the floor laughing and a little sad at how much people oppose the Duggars. I think calling them irresponsible is ridiculous. They are raising a wonderfully loved family that takes care of each other. I’m sure each one of these children will be much more responsible than many families that raise only one or two because of how that have learned to love and help one another. Glad to see you are getting the traffic you deserve!
This is the most absurd post I have seen in a while. I think that people hate them because they seem to have kids for the money and fame. I don’t see why people would hate them for their wholesome Christian lifestyle. I don’t understand why people freak out if someone else wants to have a lot of kids but how can someone say that people are using health risks as a “convenient excuse for dropping out procreation after the standard two-maybe-three babies.” The number of kids someone wants to raise is up to the individual–I don’t think its OK to judge people for having six or for having one. The Duggars don’t bother me because of how many kids they have chosen to have they bug me because it seems like a publicity stunt at this point. TLC probably told them to have a 20th
I don’t care what people say about money and kids– not everyone has a TLC show to pay for theirs. And one more thing I know for sure– the people who are freaked out about the Duggars having 20 kids would be just as freaked if they were doing it from a liberal non-Christian standpoint.
I don’t see how they could have been doing it for the publicity, given the fact that they had 14 kids before reality tv ever even existed.
“I think that people hate them because they seem to have kids for the money and fame.”
They had already decided to trust the Lord with their fertility (and had 14 kids to show for it!) long before they appeared on TV for the first time, so I think that right there disproves your entire argument. They have said numerous times before that their reason for being on TV is to encourage others in the same way they had been encouraged throughout their life; paying it forward, if you will. It is really so difficult to believe that people would choose to allow God to control their fertility, not because of fame or publicity, but simply because they have THAT must trust in the Lord’s plan for their lives? If that’s so hard to fathom, you would think my husband and I were completely off our rockers!
As a mother of five (15 short) and a Christian, I agree with all they say. My husband and I are of the opinion that too many Christians refuse to trust God in this area of family. Why should the world except large Muslim families and thum their nose at large christian families? I love all of my children. No it’s not easy but anything worth while isn’t! A lawyer dint go to school to make life easy. A Dr. Didn’t do 4 to 10 years of school for it’s comfort. I love my job!!!!! It’s the best one I have ever had!
AWESOME take on the Duggars. I have seen the Duggar hatred so much. A lot of people I know hate them because they are good parents and prove to the world that well behaved children are possible. It makes their head explode when their 2 brats are all they can take and their behavior is awful and sent the dad in to get fixed. Jealousy is an ugly thing. As far as having kids to get more money, that is crazy. Sounds like you haven’t read any of their books or know much about them. They are debt free and are very frugal and are super savvy when it comes to investing. I think that already having 14 kids when it all started kind of shows their love for children????
I’ve heard a lot of the same thing. It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad, the number of times I’ve heard people say those kids aren’t natural, they’re so good. Like the Duggars have done something wrong in training them well. I only hope I can do half as good a job with mine! I figure God hasn’t given me 20 because he wants to limit the number of people I mess up.
I will agree with you on that Cindy. The parents are doing a great job at raising the children. (Even though I still disaprove of the amount). The children are responsible, respectable, intelligent and the girls are not sluts (as far as we can see on TV) and the boys are respectful towards women…in that sense yes, I think they are doing a good job.
Loved this post…although I think that sometimes they are a little crazy (20 would drive me nuts), I applaud them for sticking to their values and beliefs. I am thankful for Christian families who swim against the tide in public. Jim Bob and Michelle are great parents, and though it’s not for our family, God has certainly blessed them greatly!
AWESOME! So sorry to hear about their miscarriage!
Love this post, and following your blog now. Thanks so much!
People are afraid of what they do not understand…and unfortunately, some people read my blog and don’t understand and leave nasty comments or think negatively of me…because they don’t know me and have never really tried to….I think the same thing is true for the Duggars’….and you nailed it!
While I don’t really follow the Duggars, my wife does fairly closely, and we can’t help but find something absolutely inspiring about them. People say they only have so many kids for the publicity and the money it brings by being on TV, but they head most of the kids long before reality TV even knew their name. They have so many kids because God BLESSED them with the ability to have so many. Before the show even came around, they had the money to comfortably provide for the children they already had, and I am sure that, even if the show didn’t exist, they would still be able to provide comfortably for 20 or more if they so chose. The fact that the older kids pitch in and help to take care of their younger siblings is something you just don’t see in today’s society, but it is something that is sorely needed. None of the children go without the love and care of their parents, nor do they receive any neglect due to lack of parental attention. All of them are love equally by their parents and are being raised to be the best people they can be. Overpopulation or not, these are the kinds of people that this world could truly use. And any comment about “why don’t they just adopt if they can afford so many kids?” The simple fact, as stated above, is that God has blessed them with the ability to have and cherish these children, and if adoption is such an issue, then why don’t the people that condemn the Duggars for not doing it, do it themselves? And if they have, congratulations. I’m the product of an adoption and even I would rather have my own children than adopt. It’s not a selfish thing, it is a matter of giving that child the love that they deserve, and there is a special bond between a child and their birth parent that, I can honestly say, does not always exist between a child and an adoptive parent.
The Duggars are truly an inspiration to how children should be raised, and it is so sad to hear how many people actually condemn them for it! It is heartbreaking ,even for me, to know that she had a miscarriage, my heart goes out to her and her family!
very nice and refreshing article I am a mom to 9 children we get a lot of negative comments but thats ok. My children are all a blessing to me:)
Thanks for the update, Cindy. I am so sad to hear this. After having 3 miscarriages myself, I know just how painful that can be, no matter how many more there are to fill the void. We will be lifting the whole family in prayer for God’s comfort and sustaining grace.
I just wish mother s of many would be given equal value,, we are not lower than anyone else, We have our beliefs and we love the children God has given to us and will not have regrets in the end for not having children. The time passes quickly and they are gone. We’ve lived our life and you all have lived your lives only difference is that your materialistic lifesyle passes away and we have our children for eternity. We are not animals, we have souls and we will live eternally , It will matter how we live our life.
I had already commented on the post, but I wanted to come back…
All of us who were lifting the Duggars up in thought, rather than tearing them down, need to really lift them and pray this evening. I just read online that when they went to the Dr today for what they thought would be a routine 20 week visit, they discovered that there was no longer a heartbeat and they had lost the baby.
I guess you need to add another lie to your post: Overpopulation and depletion of the world’s resources.
Also, to the people who want the Duggar’s to adopt instead of follow nature, I ask, “How many abused, starving children have you adopted?” If you truly care for orphans, you will take action and not use it as a defense against a family’s biological children (?!?!).
Wow Gentry! Personally, I went on a mission trip when I was a single 25 year old to Eastern Europe and spent three months volunteering in government run orphanages there. While there, I met an 11 month old girl that I felt a strong connection to. Although international adoptions were closed to the country I was visiting, I felt that I had to do something to help her. The following summer I went back and fought to get a visa for her to come to the United States for medical treatment. When she arrived in the Midwest, she was two years old, weighed a whopping 16 pounds, didn’t have any language skills (in that she only spoke one word–uh-oh–in her native language), and couldn’t walk or stand. She has a diagnosis of cerebral palsy. Eventually I was able to adopt her as a single mom, who was fresh out of grad school and trying to find my way through my first job.
After that, I became a foster parent. My second placement was a boy who was 29 days old when he showed up in my home. He was born to a mom who tried to abort him when she was eight months pregnant, did drugs, smoked, and drank alcohol during her pregnancy. At 2 1/2 he became available for adoption, and I adopted him (I was still single).
I currently have foster placement of twins that were born at 28 weeks gestation. When they were discharged from the NICU to me this past July they were seven weeks old and weighed four and five pounds. They ate 16 times each day. They had, and continue to have, severe reflux (as in it’s so severe that I will need a new couch after they leave, they’re on their fourth formula change, and have been through more than one medication and numerous doctor appointments). They hadn’t bonded with anyone since their birthfamily didn’t visit them for more than 30 days in a row during their time in the NICU. My husband and I have been married for an entire year (first marriage for both of us), and this is our SECOND set of twins that we’ve fostered. In addition to the six month old twins we currently are caring for, we just took in a seven month old this week. Did I mention we also have five and eleven year old kids, and my husband works for a Christian camp, and I had to drop down to a part-time teaching position this semester because the twins were too medically fragile to attend daycare, so we took a hit on our income?
So please, don’t smugly ask me what I’m doing to follow God’s command to support orphans. That’s just as bad as people saying horrible things about the Duggar’s. What are You doing Gentry, to support the orphans and foster children that are in need of families? These kids need families, even if it’s just for a short while. I love the babies in my home now, and I adore and love my children that have been given to me via adoption. Adoption/fostering isn’t a “second” choice for me–my husband and I may go on to have a biological child, but I don’t feel that I *need* that in order to be complete. Neither does he. He adopted my children three months into our marriage.
I am proud of the work we do as parents both in loving the children that come to us and advocating for them so that they don’t end up lost in the system or abused by it.
Wow Marieke, You sound like a truly amazing person.
I have done several missiosn trips as well, even though I am not a Christian, I go with them when they go to different countries anyways because I cannot afford to go by myself. There is also certain safety in groups. Most recently I have been to Niger working in a orphanage. There is 2 sometimes 3 children to a bed, and there are more coming in every day.
I have seen them too. Its one thing to see ribs and distended bellies on the TV, its another thing entirely to hold one in your arms and feel every bone sticking out and see the yellow of their eyes…to see them cry from hunger.
As soon as I finish school (1 more year!) and I can support a famiy, yes my husband and I will be adopting. We have both seen these children first hand and the though of having more than 1 or 2 of our own just because we “want to” sickens us.
I give props to Marieke because I could never do the foster parent thing. I could not stand to have them taken away from me after they find a home. I would want to adopt them all.
I am so proud there are people like you in the world Marieke, stay strong! God will truly thank you (if you believe him I am not sure).
May I remind you all that the “Christian” virtues are Faith, Hope and Charity? Maybe you should try the Charity a little more often.
Overpopulation is definitely a lie! Overpopulation does exist, in certain areas, but it is a political problem, and not one of resources. I’d love to adopt if that were ever the path laid out for me, but the idea that my own kids don’t deserve to live because there are other people suffering in the world is just…I don’t know what to call it. I’m really speechless at the thought.
I agree that the either/0r of having your own children or adopting is a pretty slimy way of saying that certain kids shouldn’t be born so they can “make room” for less fortunate ones. Adoption is a wonderful and blessed thing to do, as is feeding the poor and sponsoring children in other ways. We all do as much as we can! But having my own children is no more or less selfish than adopting. It’s just a different way of nurturing God’s children.
I agree!
I am going to counter all adoption comments here with the same attitude of indignation as is directed toward the Duggars and everyone like them, because, quite frankly, I am sick and tired of the negativity!
I think adoption is wonderful, but the reality is that not everyone is called to it. And, to be quite honest, adopting a baby is not quite the same as carrying, birthing and breastfeeding your own child. My husband and I have plans to adopt at least one child later own down the road, but we also have a great desire to have children of our own, born out of the love between us as husband and wife. The effrontery it takes to tell someone that they are not allowed to have the desire to bear their own children, that rather they must adopt, it astounding. To those I say, who exactly do you think you are, that you may decide how many children is “enough” for one couple? And how would you even go about determining that number? What if someone else came along and decided that NO more couples could reproduce, because there are too many children in need in the world. How would that make you feel, knowing that you weren’t permitted to have ANY, because someone, somewhere decreed it. The fact is, there are no such laws, because we live in a free country, and the Duggars (and everyone like them) have the freedom to have as many children as the Lord sees fit to bless them with. Considering they trust in the Lord with their fertility and never “tried” for any of their children, I suggest you take your beef up with God, because HE is the one in control of how many children the Duggars have, not them! And good on them for their trust in Him!
And, for the record, there are so many couples in the world dealing with infertility, I’m sure the Duggars’ 19 even out the odds a little. So, please, just live your own life with your own convictions, and don’t worry so much about what the Duggars are doing! As long as they are paying for the kids without government assistance and raising them in a loving, abuse-free home, it’s really none of your business anyway!
Good post with interesting points. I think the only thing that has ever bothered me with the Duggars is that they say they are leaving it up to God to decide how many children they get but ignoring his call to not turn away from the orphans. Any family that can handle 19/20 kids would likely make great adoptive parents. With so many children already alive and waiting for the love of a family like the Duggars, I can’t understand why they don’t adopt if they are open to having more children and are dedicated to God’s Word. I hope they eventually do adopt… it would be the frosting on their cake!
Exactly.
Actually I posted above that maybe each of the 20 children will adopt 20 kids and save 400 children from dying and starving. We can only hope.
You know, that kind of starvation and poverty is a cultural and political problem, not a problem with other people in other countries existing. It’s OK to have your own babies! And pray for the world’s problems, and send help, and YES, adopt! But don’t pretend that adoption is going to solve the immense problems of the third world just to justify your own opinions about large families in the first world.
This is my first time visiting your blog, and I intend to poke around a bit more!
My husband and I have been blessed with 10 children, no twins, all biological. The oldest is 19 yrs older than the youngest. They are currently ages 23 down to 4. I was pregnant with our baby at our oldest son’s high school graduation and didn’t even know it yet!
I’ve been the target of some pretty nasty remarks; from not only strangers, but “friends” and family as well. It has always amazed me the personal questions complete strangers will ask you. I have literally been asked by perfect strangers if I believe in birth control. I always kinda wonder how people would feel if I began to question their sex lives.
We are in our 16th year of homeschooling, and that always draws the questions as well.
Our children are expected to work in the home, and I certainly don’t feel guilty about that. We are not training a bunch of lazy, selfish pigs. My children, who are taught to be hard, honest, diligent workers will be the owners one day of the companies that hire those children who are allowed to “play and be selfish” for their childhood. Not being taught responsibility doesn’t help ANY child. I am NOT raising boys who will be video gaming, television watching, internet addicted men. I am raising boys who will know how to provide for their families, and who will not be afraid of the hard work necessary to do just that.
Sorry for the novel length comment. I honestly have only ever seen 2 Duggar episodes, and that was 4-5 yrs ago. But because of our family size, folks just assume that we must worship the Duggars, and ask me about them ALL THE TIME. I’m too busy raising my 10 to worry about their 20!!
Please, poke around all you like! I hope you find something useful. Congratulations on your wonderful brood! It drives me nuts that people seem to think my younger children are somehow less important and desirable than my older ones, just because there are more than two. I’m pretty sure they know better, though. And my kids work, too. For each other, not just for themselves. Wonder of wonders, they’re happier when they do! It’s a secret to contented living that the world doesn’t seem to have understood, sadly.
You are always welcome to leave comments of any length here. Thanks for visiting!
Hee hee, I’m baaaaccckkkkk!! I also meant to say that when you only have 1 or 2 children, fairly close together in age…oh, the family dynamics you miss!!! Watching my 23 yr old married son play football with his younger siblings; hearing my 21 yr old son tell jokes to his little brothers and sisters; seeing my 17 yr old daughter sweep her 4 yr old brother up into a big hug and kiss…that is the stuff that makes my heart just MELT.
My children will be great parents, because they know HOW to love children, how to have fun, and how to work.
For those who feel sorry for kids like mine, let me tell you one thing. Last night, my 11 yr old daughter sat in the rocking chair holding and snuggling a baby doll. She said, “Oh Mom, I just can’t wait to have babies! Babies are the best!” So I’m not thinking she resents the fact that babies are work. She has been taught that children are a blessing, and she sees it herself!
Our first grandson is on the way in April, so I imagine that very soon we will be fighting over whose turn it is to hold the baby!! Such fun…I can hardly wait!!
I have three children, and I am pregnant with out fourth. I am already getting the rude comments from people about how many children we have. I have decided that, from now on, whenever someone asks me about birth control or makes any comments regarding the size of my family, I am just going to stare at them for a minute, blink a couple of times, then say, “Wow, that was really rude.”
I may have to join you in that answer. It is rude, and I see no reason I should try to ignore that fact. :0)
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