Jesse and I have been talking about our son’s social interactions lately, and we have a few concerns. I wonder how many other homeschoolers (or just good parents doing their jobs) have these same worries.
I’m beginning to think the critics are correct about proper socialization. My oldest son, David, is definitely not learning the same social lessons his peers are. More and more often, I’m seeing a big difference between him and children at scouts, church, and elsewhere, and I’m worried for him. I just can’t figure out where this kid fits! I mean, just look at him!
Is this kid weird, or what?
When it’s time to line up for something, he gets shoved out of the way by kids who want to go before him. They seem to understand how much pushing and shoving they can get away with before someone in authority notices, while David just observes our house rule: no pushing or shoving. He is usually last in line, not only because he is unwilling to jump in front of others, but also because he’s watching the people around him and making sure that they’re taken care of. Sometimes he gets left out entirely because the other kids have their cliques, and don’t worry very much about the feelings of the kid they don’t know. He notices, but he is inexplicably still concerned about those around him. He is, in other words, a sucker.
When he’s in public, he keeps his hands to himself unless he’s invited to touch something. This means that other kids always grab the good stuff from the snack table first. He’s probably not going to do well in this dog-eat-dog world if he doesn’t learn to get his fair share as quickly as possible. Frankly, I’m concerned that he may starve to death. He never seems to get the plate with the most cookies.
During group activities, whether at church or elsewhere, he is bizarrely unafraid to question what everyone else is doing. He stubbornly insists on deciding for himself whether this is something he’d like to participate in or not. He doesn’t seem to be influenced by the need to fit in at all. There are upsides to this, I guess, but he sticks out like a sore thumb.
David doesn’t worry very much about it when he comes to a different conclusion than those around him. One Sunday the children participated in an activity where they had to choose whether to run to the “yes” or the “no” side of the room for various questions. David more than once chose the wrong answer and ran to the side of the room that everyone else was running away from.
Naturally, the rest of the children laughed at him. He laughed at himself, too. That is maladaptive. The proper response would have been to blush and slink over to the other side with the rest of the gang. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him that he should just do what everyone else is doing. Whether his answers were right or wrong is irrelevant; this obvious disregard for group feeling is a problem that only traditional schools can correct.
My father pokes gentle fun at Jesse and me over the amount of work David has to do as the oldest of four children. It’s true, I’m afraid, that we’ve committed the blunder of teaching our son responsibility for those younger and weaker than he. He watches out for his siblings, helps them tie their shoes and put away their toys, and often helps them choose what they will wear for the day. Unfortunately, this means that he isn’t shy about associating with smaller children–even babies–so the boys his own age think he’s just a little bit “babyish”.
Likewise, he likes to stand around and listen to adults talk when he could be playing with the rest of the children his own age. I’m afraid he’ll never grow up enough to realize that his own peer group is the only group he should feel comfortable with.
It makes me extremely nervous to see how different my son is from other children. What good can possibly come of such a childhood? Will he ever be able to function as an adult with these strange attitudes and behaviors? Maybe I should send him to school so he can learn how to take better care of himself without so much undue respect for those around him. This kind of independent thought and polite behavior are strange indeed for a six year old boy in 21st century America.
{ 31 comments }
asperger syndrome?
http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms
Its something i always thought I had and your son is doing exactly what I did
Given your inability to detect sarcasm, I’d say you’ve got a pretty good self-diagnosis there. ;0) Thanks for your comment, though!
Did he really suggest Asperger’s? I am LOL because clearly your post is DRIPPING with sarcasm!
I’m pretty sure all of my experiences with Asperger’s (which is more than a little but not extensive
says that her considerate and thoughtful son does NOT have anything resembling Asperger’s…. Which she obviously knows! lol
Twitter: mamahall
May 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm
How dare you raise such an “unsocialized” kid?!?
Twitter: vicki_arnold
May 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Love this post. My son has some similar tendencies. He just doesn’t seem to know how to be “of this world.” Whatevah will we do. /dramatic swoon
I love the article and I love your response to Mr. Epstein. I pray my girls will be as unsocialized as your son!
LOVE this post. Sometimes I wonder if people realize that the “behaviors” their kids exhibit are part of the reason why others choose to homeschool. All the so-called “socialization” that goes on in schools is not always a good thing, is it?
Sounds like my six year old daughter. I feel for the unprepared world when all our kids get out in it. LOL
Bri is convinced that everyone else is from outer space. She asked me why everyone looks at her funny when she says please and thank you. I told her you can’t help someone that doesn’t know better.
Twitter: HSHeartandMind
May 11, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Mr. Epstein’s response = proof that those who don’t do what everybody else does MUST be “abnormal”, right. Ha!
“Socialization” is the one thing about homeschooling that never concerned me…socialization in school, that definitely concerned me.
Me & Mom really like this post. We feel you are doing a great job with all your kids! I brag to my friends all the time of what a great worker David is. He will do great in life. Watch out socialist crowd. Those home school kids, will some day grow up to vote their values. Thank God for parents who go against this worlds ideals & values. Seems that kids are getting their mannerisms some where. Keep up the good work.
Twitter: Homeschool_zoo
May 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm
ROTFL! I just blogged about my similarly shockingly unsocialized homeschooled daughter yesterday! Some just don’t get it…at what point did good behavior become ABNORMAL???
Twitter: RobynsWorld
May 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Interesting post because it is SO much like my son. He is in public school now (for many reasons but none of them being my personal choice) and even at the high school level he is frustrated with the behavior of others his age. He doesn’t understand their need to be rude, destructive, etc.
Cheers to the abnormal kids!
A little unsocialization does seem to go a long way with good kids
I love it!
Imagine that! A kid with manners… do those really exist?
Love this post. The socialization issue is not only worn out, but the dumbest criticism of homeschooling imaginable. I can’t conceive of a worse environment for socialization than public school (and I taught in one for ten years).
In our house, “normal” is taken as an insult.
I had to laugh as I read your post because my son was very similar when he was that age. Now he’s 13 and helps every week in kids’ church as well as playing with the youth band. It’s just amazing how he can be with kids, teens, or adults equally comfortably! At his birthday party last weekend, he and the other four boys stopped to pray over their meal before they started eating.
Both my kids are growing and developing in what I consider a “normal” way, although I suspect that others would disagree. For example, I don’t have to prod my 15 year old constantly to do schoolwork. From what I hear from my hubbie who has done some substitute teaching in the high schools, the kids are generally expected to be irresponsible. The responsible ones are stand-outs.
Three cheers for unsocialized kids!!
Catherine
i was going to say something like, “well at least there is ____ countries to choose from”, but the US is apparently confused about how many countries there are.
Twitter: reallifesarah
May 12, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Honestly, he sounds a lot like my oldest daughter! When she was younger, I once tried to get her to play soccer. When I tried to tell her she had to try to get the ball away from another kid, she said, ” but I thought we were supposed to share!” just didn’t get it. Everything you described with David is so familiar with mine. So it may have to do with homeschooling… Or he could just really be a good guy, with great parents.
Twitter: onemomsworld
May 12, 2011 at 11:02 pm
I just cannot believe you Cindy… teaching David such good manners, I mean seriously, you really are something. Such a caring mom, that leads her kids by example. I just don’t know if we can be friends anymore? HAHAHA!
Loved this post and I remember getting told the same thing when I was homeschooled especially my middle school years. I was going to be a teen that could not socialize at all.
Some parents just do not realize what they are teaching their kids anymore, it is very sad. I wrote a bit on that tonight with my golden rule post.
Give a high five to David from us
Twitter: kdbeckham
May 13, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Okay since I don’t know you, yet I am pretty good at reading and feeling what people were thinking during their writings I was able to detect the sarcasm. However I am glad that I decided to read a few comments before I decided to post because boy would I have felt stupid had it not been.
Thanks for your “honest” opinion of the lack of socialization your son has gotten from homeschooling, because it makes this soon to be newbie quite content with her decision. I am now your newest follower.
Thanks for dropping by! Congratulations on deciding to homeschool!
Sigh… I homeschool but I fear my children are nowhere NEAR as courteous as yours are. And mine have no problem whatsoever trying to get the most candy in the pinata. I am raising hooligans! But homeschooled hooligans. They do exist.
At a recent trip to the doctor’s office, my children were seen sitting in a row with their backs to the wall, waiting quietly for the doctor. Another doctor chanced by and stopped to comment, “Wow. Well-behaved children, what’s wrong with this picture?” I knew he was being sarcastic, but couldn’t help replying, “What’s wrong with this society when well-behaved children are abnormal?”
Loved, loved, LOVED this post!! I hope my homeschooling children are this good at “failing” when it comes to peer pressure, egocentrism, and conforming to societal expectations! Well done!
My oldest was and at times is still like this. He has been in public school two years now. My middle and youngest however are not public school children. They are the other kids you described with the pushing and snatching. It’s not his socialization since he is in scouts, church and such. It shows your a great parent and have taught your child right! I wish my younger two showed the same things as my oldest. All children are different and your son is just an awesome and caring child. Maybe sit down and let him know he shouldn’t let others push him around, but he can do so by using his words and not force. If that doesn’t work then beating the other child senseless might…??? lol We told my oldest the same thing last year when he had a bully. He was too scared of hurting a child smaller than him who was bullying him. He learned to show his force without using his fist.
Twitter: ladyofthebarn
May 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm
What an awesome post. I may refer everyone I know to this post that argues or criticizes me about socialization and homeschooling.
I liked your post and your sense of humour. I also liked the comment above about her homeschooled children not being quite so courteous as yours. Among homeschooled kids, you will see extreme differences. And my son is 6, in public school and has many of the qualities that you speak of in your son.
This post is GREATNESS! Thank you! My kids were/are just like this, and I am still so proud of them.
In this age of blaming the public school system for the nation’s woes, it is refreshing for me as a teacher to hear someone give responsibility for children’s behavior right where it belongs — the upbringing in the home. I do think that the way we corral children of similar ages together fosters a herd mentality, and that can be a very bad thing, especially at the middle school age. I’m a believer in the “one room” schoolhouse concept — local, small multi-grade schools — where older brothers and sisters are aware of what’s going on with their younger siblings, both good and bad. The slightly larger setting brings an extended family relationship to the schooling with the accountability that it’s difficult to make happen in a large, more impersonal school.
In the large school setting, kids who are different, as your son is, are winnowed out pretty quickly even if they try to stick to their metaphorical guns. One of the saddest things I see at school is when a well-behaved, academically-minded young person gets enrolled in the bad behavior of her peers in order to jump up in the hierarchy or just maintain her sideline position safely. I often wonder what the parents of my students would say if they could see a video of their children at school. I think many parents would be horrified. The good news is that kids grow up and both home-schooled and public-schooled kids generally turn out to be productive adults.
P.S. I loved your sarcasm and thought-provoking post.
I definitely blame parents. They seem to think that they can release their children into the wild and as long as they’re behaving at home, they must be ok at school. They never check up on them, rarely get in touch with the teachers to see what’s getting on, and often actually turn on the teachers and principals when they see their little angels getting in trouble. If the culture were a decent one, the schools would be, too.