Things I Can’t Get Homeschoolers to Admit: The S-Word

Before I get started on this one, I’ll need to define a term. To most homeschoolers (including your humble blogger), the word “socialization” has a sinister connotation. It means, roughly, “becoming like the rest of society”. I think most of us agree that we don’t want our kids to become like the rest of society. Many of us have taken the measure of our society and found it pitifully lacking. In fact, it’s one of my top reasons for homeschooling.

But when someone not used to rubbing elbows with us homeschooling freaks asks “What about socialization?”, what they usually mean is “What about friendship?” The word “socialization” is rarely used, in my experience, except on homeschoolers’ blogs and forums where we’re all wearing the same choir robes and singing the same choruses over and over again.  We sometimes magnify the more rigid textbook definition while evading the real question: What about socializing?

I’ve been asked a dozen times about friendships and socializing, but only once about socialization. Remember, please, that I’m not talking here about teaching our children to march lockstep with the world and its ways. I’m talking about learning to be around other human beings, peacefully and successfully.

Homeschooling Dirty Little Secret #3: Socialization can be a problem.
I’m almost scared to to say this for fear of being shouted down by the Amen Chorus of the Orthodox Church of Homeschooling. I’ve encountered the Chorus on this blog. It ain’t pretty, and I don’t like it. But I can’t do a series of things homeschoolers won’t admit without ticking off a few homeschoolers, so here goes.

Before anyone gets too upset about my saying that we worry about socialization, let me explain that I don’t think most of us have problems in this area, but that we know the problem exists in a significant minority of families that homeschool. Those who are worried about their own kids’ friendships will be fine. We’ll seek out friends for ourselves and our children because we know it’s important. But those who don’t think socializing is important are living in a dream world, and it’s hurting their children.

For the most part, socializing is an easy thing for homeschoolers. We just find an association and show up at the meetings and picnics and hope to find some kindred spirits. (I plan to do this soon, anyway. My kids are so small that family and Sunday School have been enough until now.)

The thing we don’t like to talk about is that subset of homeschoolers who truly have a socialization problem. I suspect that there are parents who keep their children home just because they don’t want their children rubbing elbows with anyone, ever, because YUCK! The world is full of nuts, isn’t it? But those aren’t really the people I’m concerned about. They’re going to warp their children no matter how they educate them.

I’m talking about otherwise very good parents who are just so comfortable in isolation that they never bother to form friendships of their own, let alone help their children seek out friends. Homeschooling is a very, very attractive option for introverted people. I am a proud introvert myself, so I know whereof I speak. I’m not shy, but I prefer a quiet life with a few good friends and a lot of space between me and crowds. There’s nothing wrong with that, but we introverts have to be extremely careful not to force those preferences on our children.

Children need friends the way they need sunshine and fresh air. I don’t know how anyone can reasonably deny that, but I’ve seen it constantly denied by a (small) number of homeschooling apologists. I am exhausted after a time of social interaction, but I do need friends! It was easy to forget that before I became a mother, but now I see the same need in my children that I’ve always had. Children need someone to be down on their level without having to stoop. Adults, no matter how loving and wonderful, make crappy friends for kids, so I watch carefully for opportunities to help them build friendships. Most homeschoolers do this, thankfully, but some don’t.

I’ve heard it argued that children don’t really need friends as long as they have siblings. Well, if they have 12 siblings, yes. That may provide enough diversity in personality that they can learn how to deal with all different kinds of people. If they only have one or two siblings, though, I’m afraid that just won’t be enough.

Similarly, I recently read on some blog somewhere (wish I could find it!) that, since we’re raising them to be adults, they only need their parents as playmates. After all, other kids will just encourage them to be (gasp) kids. Sounds like somebody has taken a perfectly good truth (parents are the best people to train their children in the way they should go) and twisted it around to justify their own social hang-ups, doesn’t it?

When we pretend that the socialization question is made up from whole cloth by people who just hate homeschooling, we are enabling a certain kind of family to wall their children off from the world and keep them emotionally immature. I think the homeschooling community would do well to admit that some parents have allowed homeschooling to become their way of avoiding painful interactions with the world. Whether it is because of shyness, bitterness, or control issues, they’ve used homeschooling to keep their children from having social lives.  These folks don’t need us to provide them with encouragement. They need a gentle reminder of a truth that we homeschoolers are apt to minimize: Socialization is important! (There. That didn’t hurt a bit, did it?)

This post is the third installment of an ill-considered attempt to bring to light some of the things the online homeschooling community seems to avoid talking about. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, but I’ve got my hand to the plow now, so I’m going to continue it as long I think I’m right. I’ll let you know if I change my mind.

Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.