A few days ago I got an email. (Actually, I got about 200 emails that day, but this one was interesting.) It seems I left a comment on another blog that led someone to believe that I thought there was something wrong with a woman having a job. Any woman. Any job. My comment didn’t actually say anything like that, of course. I’m afraid this was one of those situations I run into all too often with commenters. They can’t seem to get their emotions out of the way long enough to actually read what’s being said. It doesn’t usually end well.
The emailer in question stated that if she hadn’t had her job, she and her husband would have starved because he was very sick when they got married, and how DARE I say such things about her life? Simply put, I never said anything remotely like that! I was never even aware of her existence, and even if I had been, nothing I said could have possibly pertained to her circumstances. Going by her email, if I were in her situation, I’d work outside the home, too. I’d kinda have to, since the power company doesn’t accept chickens as payment.
The fact is, many working moms feel guilty whether you say anything to them or not, and then they accuse “just moms” of actively trying to make them feel that way. She didn’t really have a good point, but I thought I could at least milk the email for a blog post or two, so here we are.
So, when should a woman work outside the home? When should a woman work from home? When should she sit down and twiddle her thumbs and do nothing of value at all? (Um, never. That was the easy one.)
Despite my Bible-thumping ways, I have pretty pragmatic approach to determining what a woman should do with herself. We live in a fallen world, and no woman gets a perfect hand dealt to her. It follows that a woman should do the very best she can with what she has.
Yesterday, Jasmine Baucham, who blogs at Joyfully at Home, wrote a guest post at Like a Warm Cup of Coffee outlining her own thoughts about life as a stay-at-home daughter. She is very nobly, sweetly, and industriously working within her own family. She isn’t pursuing a career; rather, she has a vocation at home. She is a beautiful example of a Godly woman, making home sweet and productive for those around her. She sets an amazing example, and I’m madly in love with her. I’ll bet she’d be the first to tell you that she is a uniquely blessed woman to have a family that understands biblical womanhood in this way. Whatever man marries her is getting a woman whose price is far above rubies!
An unmarried Christian woman should do what she needs to do, and often that means having a paying job or starting a business. For Jasmine, and many others, that means serving her family until she starts one of her own. An unmarried woman who isn’t “under the covering of her family” (as Miss Baucham puts it) would certainly need paying work, and should take joy in providing for herself and creating something of value for her community.
Here’s where I start to make people, some of them my friends and family, mad. After a woman is married, her responsibilities start to look different–and not at all like our culture has trained us to look at them. Once a woman has made the choice to get married and have children, she can’t claim independence anymore; nor can she put her own fulfillment first. She has taken on a job that no one else can do, and she should be there to do it. Full stop.
The Other McCain says I’m the woman that feminists hate most. I’m not that special, of course. He means that every woman who has chosen to be “just” wife and mother, is an active enemy of modern feminism. When a woman becomes a mother, no matter what she was doing before that, she becomes the primary caretaker of a soul–a spiritual being who needs more than food, shelter, and the 3 r’s.
A mother who works from the home while her children are being suitably cared for and educated is doing a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. I do a lot of things to earn a (small) income myself, so it would be very odd for me to think a woman has no business in business! Further, I put in a lot of hours saving money through various frugal pursuits. If a penny saved is a penny earned, then I earn many thousand dollars a year just running my household properly. Provided she is available to her children when they need her, and hasn’t over-obligated herself to so many pursuits that her children become an afterthought, I think a woman should make as much money as she can!
I have little to say about the mom who has children young enough to need her (and that includes teenagers), but simply wants to work full-time just because her children “drive her crazy” and housework is beneath her. At least, I have nothing to say that will fit in this blog post. I’d suggest reading Dr. Laura’s book, Parenthood by Proxy: Don’t Have Them if You Won’t Raise Them. She misses the boat sometimes, and clearly has no idea of Christian forgiveness or empathy, but she’s right. A mother should spend the bulk of her useful hours attending to the needs of her family.
That doesn’t mean she can’t work! (I’m not entirely ambitionless myself.) It does mean that her career is going to take a backseat while she has children in her home if she’s doing her job correctly. I know that very few non-Christian women will agree with me on this point, and a lot of Christian women will balk at it, too. The fact remains that motherhood requires more of a woman than we’ve been led to believe for the past few generations. You can’t have it all–not all at once, anyway.
I don’t presume to know what any individual family should be doing, and I’m actually the only mom I know who is just a mom. I’m not even speaking of working moms when I say that women ought to devote more time to mothering. Every family has a minimum requirement for money, and often the only way of getting that money is having two incomes. You do what you have to do. My mom was the best mom ever, and she worked full time. The reason it worked out so well for us was that we knew her heart was with us, and she lost a lot of hours and wages because she put us first. We always had her when we needed her.
So, should a wife and mother work outside the home? I don’t know. You pick. I know that my family needs me here. That’s pretty much all I know about anything.
{ 11 comments }
Knowing full well the lightning rod Cindy has erected here, and the rain of vitriol that is sure to fall on her, I wanted to say that I think she’s brave to voice such an unpopular opinion publicly (albeit in a space she owns; if you don’t like it, bear in mind you are a visitor here..) knowing full well the defense posture and anger that opinion is going to evoke.
I’m not apologizing for her, though. Nor is she; she lives her beliefs every day despite antagonism, disdain, and that storm I mentioned earlier from any rude cloud that feels like raining on her picnic, and I’m glad to see her handing what reads to me an extremely polite, well reasoned piece of that judgement back.
So before, oh dark cumulonimbus, you decide to wet on her because you feel she’s judging you, think a little bit.
Good for you Cindy for giving your honest opinion on this subject. I would never take that away from anyone.
I personally feel that if it is financially possible for a woman to stay at home with her young children, then that’s the best possible outcome for them. Fortunately for me, my Hubby and I are in that situation. A friend once raised her eyebrows when I told her I thought it was easier and made more sense if the male partner earned more than the female, because it was an easier route for the woman to take to staying at home to care for her children. That same friend is now in a situation where she has to work, as she’s the main bread winner. And she resents it. She and her husband do not own a home or anything – so they’re not working for “stuff” but to “live” day-by-day.
However, I also believe that a happy mother makes a happy child. If that mother feels she would make a more patient and caring mother for having interests outside the home (including working), then that’s a positive thing. Being a SAHM is not for everyone. Some are actually awful at it. It’s a hard job, and some just aren’t cut out to do this parenting thing 24/7. (Even if they thought they would – remember, no one really knows what it’s going to be like when they decide to have their children. We only find out after the fact!) Do I think a mother should work 5 days a week if financially she doesn’t need to? Personally, I wouldn’t do it myself, but I’ve had friends who do for whatever reason, and I figure that’s up to them.
But I absolutely see what you’re saying here, and I think it’s great that you feel you can give your opinion without worrying what others will think. We all spend too much time worrying about stuff like that!
I love what Jasmine Baucham’s dad Voddie has to say on this subject in his book Family Driven Faith. He doesn’t put any legalism on the subject, he says that a women should still be fulfilling her duties as a mother. The catch is that the duties of a mother are kind of a full-time thing and you need to guard yourself against becoming too distracted. You have to protect those kids from the devil’s wiles. My mom worked all the time, but it wasn’t cause she wanted to, it was because my dad was a bum.
I disagree with the happy mom=happy child thing. That’s a character issue one needs to work out. There’s been plenty of times where I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control, and God gives me lots of practice with that one. Being a SAHM is like the ultimate spiritual boot camp for a woman. I pray that God would conform me to His image in my vocation, not follow my whimsical idea of fulfillment. I do agree that women need an outlet other than the mom scene. I’ve done a lot of church work and teaching in my homeschool co-op to break up the routine a bit. I have come to the place where I refused to have my worth defined by others perceive that I do or don’t do.
Jody, if a woman has a personal problem with staying at home with her children and outsources that work to other people when she doesn’t have to, she is walking away from her primary responsibility and has some problems to work out. She can’t go back and un-have the babies, so she needs to readjust her priorities. Those kids need someone to care about their spiritual well-being–while they are awake, and not just during the hours after dinner and before breakfast. Every child deserves a mom who thinks he is worth passing up a little “happiness” for. (And yes, every woman on earth has the capacity to take interest in home and family. Every. Single. One.)
Cindy! I’m so excited to have found you! My name is Christina and my husband and I are (Lord willing) hoping to add to our little family. I work 35 hours a week presently but as soon as possible I will be home full time. Though outwardly my “homemaking” skills are diverse and cause others to pause and wonder if I’m from the 50′s, inwardly I know my heart is so wicked and I have so much to give over to the Lord and re-learn. Though I have a very skilled mom who very much enjoyed taking care of her home and us, they are both unbelievers. I am also thankful you are pragmatic and not legalistic in your declarations of what unmarried or childless women should and and should not do.
AND you have guts! Sin is sin and often times discouragement, lack of desire, disorder, and unwillingness to LEARN to take care of your family are things to “put off” so that you can “put on” what pleases the Lord. “I’d rather work” is not a valid reason for a family with Children. Someone must care for them and the Lord says that someone is you.
Cindy, I agree with Jesse – you are brave! I commend you for stating your opinion on this and I think you have some valid points! I feel like each family should make the choice that is best for them and one size does not fit all. I chose to go to college and work afterward and wouldn’t have had it any other way, and for me, I need to know that if something were to happen to my husband that I could provide for my family on my own. This is what I was taught by my Christian mother and much of it comes from a turbulent past where this was necessity for her, but I think it’s good advice whether I be working outside of the home or in it. Also, in my situation, my husband and I weren’t blessed with children though I too have wanted to be a mother my entire life. We struggled with infertility for years and finally were blessed to conceive with in vitro fertilization. There are many arguments to be had on that one by itself, but to go that route wasn’t cheap and if I hadn’t worked and had insurance, we wouldn’t have been able to pursue it. Could I stay at home with the one child that I have now and not work outside the home? Yes. Could I conceive our next child that we want so desperately to have considering the lengths we had to go through to get the one we have while staying at home? No; it just doesn’t happen for me the old fashioned way no matter how often we try.
Consider yourself very blessed in that realm, but I already know you do.
My point isn’t that you’re wrong, you said yourself that you don’t presume to know what any individual family should be doing; my point is that everyone lives with different circumstances in her life that facilitates her life path and I think we all need to be more aware of that. Would you feel the same if Jesse had to work extra long hours and weekends for you to be able to stay home with your children even if it meant keeping him from Church and taking away from his spiritual life?
I do have to argue that I don’t think the Bible condemns women from working outside the home; it’s for this that I think you’re missing the mark in your post or maybe I’m missing your point. Wasn’t Lydia in sales and wasn’t Deborah essentially a soldier? Ruth and Naomi of course worked outside the home. I don’t think we know if these were out of necessity or not, but they were working women. Of course back then if you worked in the fields, then there wouldn’t be anything to prevent you from bringing your child with you and doing both at the same time! I think both you and me and other Christian mothers, working outside of the home or not want to raise our families (or at least we all should) in a way that glorifies God and to raise them to be keepers of the Word. God should always come first, then family, then outside endeavors and that is the same for men or women, no matter the profession.
Well first I’ll admit that I’ve just skimmed this post so far due to time and my old eyes but I’ll be back to read it more thoroughly later.
But from what I did manage to glean, I agree with you and am thankful to find other young moms who are willing to “buck the norm” and take their biblical calling seriously.
It’s probably good that I didn’t fully read the whole post or I’d probably be writing my own novel about it in your comments!
KUDOS KUDOS KUDOS!!! After my kids were in high school I went to college to get my nursing degree. I wasn’t the oldest student in the class- actually I was the middle of the pack. I can’t tell you how many “seriously” and “you’re kidding right?!” comments I got when the “where do you work” or “what did you do before you graduated” questions came around. My answer was always the same, “I’m a wife and a mom” For some reason this upset the ones my age, suprised and intrigued the ones younger and got me somewhat alienated from the ones older than me. I still in all these years can’t get why people have such a problem understanding why being a mom is one of the most important things I have done. I also still dont’ get why this attitude of mine tends to bring out negative attitudes in otherwise upbeat wonderful women. sigh…
Nina, there’s only one person on this blog who is on a “high horse”. If you’re offended by this post, perhaps you weren’t reading very carefully. My mother worked full-time also, and she’s the best mom in the world. I think women should earn as much as they can, provided they are capable of still taking care of their family’s needs. And yeah, I do think I’ve got a more honorable job than leaving my 4 kids in daycare so I can go be “important”.
hi cindy,
i found your site because i was interested in what others thought about mothers working while there are still young children to take care of. my husband and i have a 10 month old and i have two children ages 6 and 12 from a previous marriage. my husband and i have discussed me going to work part time (about 20 hours a week) just so i can “feel like myself” again. i love my children and husband very much but sometimes a mother just needs to get away and be around adults. we tend to forget who we are after a while because we aren’t around people. so he has agreed that we could make this work. my husband will take care of them at night while i’m at work.
the only thing i worry about is the relationship i have with him. when i first mentioned going back to work he seemed a bit too eager for me to go. but maybe that’s me being paranoid. he has always been overly independent even before we got together and i think sometimes he’d like that independence back and so he sees me not being around as a great opportunity. but of course he’ll deny that. he isn’t a Christian but i am. my first husband was very hesitant about me going to work part time but i think it was partly because he liked having his wife and kids around. he too was a Christian although i wasn’t at the time.
please give me your input on my situation. maybe i’m blowing all my fears way out of proportion but i would like your opinion as well as anyone else’s opinion.
thank so much!
rhedyn
“Thus saith The Lord, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein.”
The “good way” is to take the old paths: when Father was the provider, and the protector, and the defender of the home. When men took personal pride in their homes, their wives and their children. It was once upon a time when men were humiliated and embarrassed that their wives had to help them provide by working outside the home, in the 1900′s and before that time. And Mother was the very heart of the home. There was no egalitarian system. Usually, Father had the last word. But Mother raised her children up “by hand”, and personally saw to their nurturing, comfort, well-being…as it should be today.
I wish that society, as a whole, could return to the old paths that The Lord has established in the beginning. I had two sets of grandmothers, and neither of them worked outside the home…but they built a dynasty within their nests that will last forever……think on these things.